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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28120752">In the final hour</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeahGrace/pseuds/LeahGrace'>LeahGrace</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anakin Skywalker Doesn't Turn to the Dark Side, Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, Canon Divergence - The Clone Wars: Rako Hardeen Arc, Canon-Typical Violence, Episode: s04e15 Deception, F/M, Family Feels, Mace Windu is So Done, Mental Health Issues, Muteness, Mysticism, Not Beta Read, Obi-Wan Kenobi Gets a Hug, Other, Protective Ahsoka Tano, Soul Bond, Temporary Character Death, That's Not How The Force Works (Star Wars)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:56:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,798</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28120752</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeahGrace/pseuds/LeahGrace</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In the wake of the death of one Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker goes mute. It is of little help that he has responsibilities as a General, a Master and a husband (last but no less). Just as it doesn't really matter that Obi-Wan is actually alive.<br/>They are going to be fine anyway. After all, it is kinda traditional for Chosen Ones to call dibs on the force of love, and there is no power to prevail.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>114</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Casualties of the War</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I've got that little thing most bilingual are suffering from: one does not just speak freely one language per one conversation, no. You are about at least twice to stop to translate yourself and trice to confuse the structure speaking native using foreign syntax. I dunno how it is usually being solved, I decided to just go rampant and write a fic. So, yeah, corrections will be highly appreciated!</p><p><i>Good is good in the final hour, in the deepest pit, without hope, without witness, without reward.</i><br/>"Doctor Who" s10e7 "Extremis"</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was long ago that Anakin made piece with the knowledge that he is to never become a true Jedi. And he didn't want to. Not when being a Jedi means being capable to let go, among other things. His greatest feat has always been an inability to abandon a hopeless task, be it a podrace to win, a slave chip to get rid of or a sentient being to let them be. It was a quality the Jedi frowned upon, calling it greediness and telling Anakin was flawed because of it. Telling him to scratch it out of himself and to learn, speaking basic, to lose.</p><p>As if they haven't been praising him as their little stubborn undying hero all along.</p><p>Nevermind that he was that hero exactly because of all his unworthiness as a Jedi. He refused to take many hits hard as they were and thus made it out for far more times than anyone else could hope. He refused to submit his people to seemingly unavoidable death, and - guess what, they were alive.</p><p>He didn't want to become a casualty of this war in the name of something even remotely as unhelpful as Jedi Code. He was meant to be better.</p><p>Right until the death came anyway, and he was meaningless, and there was nothing except to cling to every little piece helping to stay afloat. In the end, if only thing saving him turned out to be the very same Code he despiced and resented for years, then so be it. He could live with a nasty uncomfortable feeling of shame and self-deceiving. This way, at least, he would live a bit longer than it'd take to find a way to follow Obi-Wan into the Force.</p><p>Following, he told himself, is always an option. But Obi-Wan would undoubtedly find it quite inappropriate to rush things in such selfish manner. Anakin had some business to attend to. Like, to win a war that got his brother killed. To see a girl under their tutelage becoming the best Jedi Knight ever. To be anything and everything Padmé will ask of him.</p><p>Only then will he take his leave to make Obi-Wan truly regret his stupid and frankly offensive decision to die on them like he has done. It will be one grand speech and Anakin will make sure Obi-Wan didn't miss a word nor an ounce of Anakin's feelings on the matter. He was not allowed to go ahead; he was not allowed to go at all. Still, he did, he died in Ahsoka's arms, and Anakin brought his corpse back to the Temple, and they were all looking at Anakin waiting for a great eulogy, and he was just empty.</p><p>There was not a word left in Anakin's mind to be uttered. Not a single sound to escape past his lips. It all faded along the song of Obi-Wan's Force-presence, gone in the night.</p><p>And so, silently he took the torch and let the flame catch Obi-Wan in it's last embrace. Was it seen rude or emotionless or else, he didn't care, for there was only the pyre and the fact that, while it wasn't Anakin's corpse slowly reducing to the ashes, he felt like this and nothing more.</p><p>* * *<br/>
Days were coming and ending, and his voice hasn't returned as of yet. That was okay; he didn't want to speak to anyone. Simmering flame deep inside his chest hasn't lessened, but he thougth it to be about normal when you just cremated other half of your soul. Besides, it was of no use to be worried for himself in the whirlwind of actions the galaxy has set it's course on.</p><p>Any other time Anakin would be livid, he knew it with painful clarity. He would have been seeking his revenge in a bout of 'righteous' anger. He would have been fuming over escaping of the murderer and quite possibly slipping down the edge of the Fall. Any other time he'd be alarmingly unconcerned towards such terrible perspective, but not now. Now, he couldn't take all Obi-Wan has been caring for and throw it away. Anakin is his brother's living legacy, and it is an honour he will uphold.</p><p>For the first time in his life Anakin came to understand just how someone who pledged themself to other's values is not diminished by their choice. It may seemed a burden before, an unwanted pressure. But as Anakin was fighting Dooku while the Festival of the Lights shone all around them, he thought back to endless hours of Obi-Wan's teachings, his calm demeanor and exasperated attempts to handle Anakin's haughtiness. All of that was inflicted on him with unwavering trust, and knowing that led Anakin into feeling not burdened but cherished. Believed in.</p><p>Unfortunately, a duel with your blood enemy was the worst place for any revelation of such magnitude, especially when you couldn't call for help. Chancellor saved and Count Dooku fleeing, it was still a good day. No one dead or hurting badly enough, the Festival has come to it's end and they were free to regroupe for safe passage home. It was regrouping when things went into hell, 'cause there was just no chance to miss Rako Hardeen amidst their rank.</p><p>* * *<br/>
Next Anakin opened his eyes, he was laying in a small cabin of his and Ahsoka, and she was sitting on the edge of his bunk, not exactly meditating. And she was furious, enough for it to be a little painful.</p><p>"Hey," she said. "Sorry, I'm trying to reign it in."</p><p>That was still new, how fast Ahsoka used to catch on his silenced manners, and while Anakin still hurt from whatever caused him to black out, he gathered his amasement and gratefulness and used them to wrap Ahsoka in warm. Gradually, she relaxed, and seething rage evaporated from her presence. She seemed just sad.</p><p>"You alright?" she asked. "Kix said, you were exhausted and only need some proper rest and meal, but… I can go find him, if anything is not okay."</p><p>That, Anakin thought, kinda summed it up. Nothing was okay, Obi-Wan had been killed and his murderer was Master Windu's guest of honor thanks to whatever. And Anakin, who still couldn't say a word for the life of his, fainted right in the middle of probably one-sided but nonetheless heated discussion of what should have been a preliminary debrief only to be dumped on his equally worn-out Padawan. He briefly wandered if that was Mace's way to provoke him into speaking again.</p><p>He lightly patted Ahsoka's hand and then forced himself up. He was doing favour to no one when laying around. Maybe he wasn't understanding what Mace and the Council were thinking but he was going to trust them to do their job.</p><p>* * *<br/>
Obi-Wan was frowning openly, confined in a small cabin waiting for Mace to visit him and, hopefully, bring news on Anakin's behalf. It was some time already and all this stress wasn't helping. Obi-Wan was tired of uncertainty.</p><p>Bless his gentle heart, Mace didn't even blink when Obi-Wan very nearly tripped over himself upon his arrival.</p><p>"Skywalker is fine," he said simply. "His medic claims general exhaustion and malnourishment as reasons for him to collapse, and he is resting right now."</p><p>Obi-Wan nodded.</p><p>"And everything else?" he asked tersely. "You know Anakin usually not a quiet type."</p><p>Mace scoffed inelegantly. He indeed knew it very well, what with witnessing many of Anakin's infamous outbursts from a close distance. The pleasure of being his practically CO - who could guess.</p><p>"We are all worried," he answered. "According to Tano, he didn't said a word since your very demise. And he really was silent at the funeral. If he will continue to refuse talking then Vokara has already asked permission to relieve him of active duty, 'at least' she said. I do hope it is not necessary. The loss of him as a General would cost a lot… Otherwise," Mace now was talking contemplatively, as if the thought has been bothering him for quite  awhile, "he is adjusting surprisingly well. Not a single time he couldn't reign his temper, and his Force-presence is actually bearable. I am not sure what to expect of him. For any other Jedi I'd say, good riddance, but Skywalker has never been a good example of Jedi."</p><p>"He is a greate one, Master Windu," Obi-Wan said - nearly snapped. That was getting too close to a home, he thought.</p><p>But Mace only glanced at him calmly.</p><p>"Yes, he is. But greatness has it's flaws, and Anakin Skywalker has plenty."</p><p>Obi-Wan deflated in the face of his acceptance. Breathing, he rubbed his forehead.</p><p>"Sorry, Mace. Didn't mean to be rude."</p><p>"You are nervous," he observed.</p><p>"More than I would like to admit. Jedi Knight he might be, but Anakin is my friend and I care deeply for his wellbeing. I knew it would make a bit the ordeal, and that is something I thought Anakin to be able to pass through in style." He slowed in his pacing, considering the situation all over again. "Jabiim and Rattatack - that was a real disaster, but Anakin triumphed throughout it all. I am very proud of him."</p><p>"We had our reasons to Knight him, Obi-Wan," Mace said with a hint of dry humour. "His persistence at dealing with you being a magnet for life-threatening troubles of all sorts was only one of them."</p><p>Obi-Wan couldn't help but laughed at well-deserved quip.</p><p>He was in trouble, indeed.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. It's a woman's work to say</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I particularly dislike the very existence of Ahsoka's line. She is a child soldier, she is used and abused and in the end she was left to die, and half the fandom used to undermine her I can't comprehend why. Ahsoka is a little star.</p><p><i>...Now rise the sun, now dawn the day<br/>When good men run and women stay<br/>When battle's done and nothing's won<br/>It's a woman's work to say<br/>Well then, soldier, how goes the day?</i><br/>"Doctor Who" s06e07 "A Good Man Goes To War"</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Back on Coruscant Anakin was unexpectedly left out of any official activity. He felt a little bad knowing that a part of his duties was discreetly delegated to Ahsoka but couldn't bring himself to protest. He knew he was unfit at the moment and that it will actually do well for her to be seen as responsible badass which she was. Win-win, so to say.</p><p>He settled to work on some personal issues instead.</p><p>There was something wrong he couldn't pinpoint yet, too agitated after the mission and confused by the turn events has taken. He was about to do something for those around, but their expectation remained hidden. It has been taunting his mind, always just a half-step aside, so no matter how hard Anakin tried, he couldn't see it for what it was. He heartily disliked the phantom sense of being pulled by invisible treads it gave to him.</p><p>So he pulled the card he usually tried to avoid as never effective immediately and sat down for a good old-fashioned meditation. Hopefully, he will be out and about long before anyone remembered they had a free set of hands here.</p><p>To reach the Force was a child play at this point. She came to him like a first breath upon pieceful awakening, warm and familiar and only waiting to be recognised. He lost in her lux for a bit of eternity, for she was a light of faraway stars and a measured heartbeat under your fingertips.</p><p>He felt strangely at home there, relaxed in a way it was long ago, in the days before the war. Ever so slightly he has been losing this comfort of simply existing. First, when Shmi died and he was driven nearly insane, and then with every new fight, every battle. People have been hurting, dying, and he could only rage and grieve, barely scratched in this agony of billions. The more it took, the less he felt of any use, until the night came when his world crumbled with that last death.</p><p>Despite it all here Anakin was, undamaged and safe and serene, and the Force was gentle like a mother's caress on his cheek.</p><p>Obi-Wan should be with him, Anakin thougth, suddenly overwhelmed.</p><p>It was that simple. One thought, one desire, it was haunting him restlessly in the aftermate of Jabiim, he remembered.</p><p>Obi-Wan should have been the one leading evacuation efforts. The one knighting Anakin, severing his padawan's braid and storing it away. He was not, and Anakin has very nearly given up any hope of creating a miracle, when Obi-Wan resurfaced on Rattatak, tortured but alive.</p><p>There was no such hope anymore. Anakin saw him dying, held his still body, he lit up the pyre. Obi-Wan became one with the Force.</p><p>Wasn't it why she was so kind again, he wandered. Was it possible for Obi-Wan to somehow, anyhow find a way to comfort Anakin even after his ultimate loss? That wouldn't be entirely out of character of his ridiculous too-Jedi-to-be-true Master. It was still him who asked for their bond to let it be, the Code aside…</p><p>The bond, Anakin realised. That continuos nagging at the back of his mind, bothering just the littlest more than he could withstand.</p><p>He was afraid to look, fairly certain that the bond's remains have eventually dissolved and it was newly emptied space calling for anything to fill the gap. Anakin remembered the bond as it blossomed between their minds, precious tiny thing rippling the Force beatifully. He didn't have a visual of it - the bond just was, as there is oxygen in the air. Whenever he needed, Anakin was able to ping it and feel the presence on the other side.</p><p>Then Obi-Wan died and the bond went mute.</p><p>Only the surrounding gentleness, calmness of the Force convinced him to search it once again. He prepared himself for every terrible outcome he could imagine at this point. There is nothing, like it was before they established the bond on the first place. There is darkness in his mind, ashes and rotting sweet sickness, creeping from where was the light. There is some open crack and his days are coming to the end.</p><p>In truth, there were just sadness and longing and love and hope, and they absolutely did not belong to Anakin.</p><p>He squeezed his eyes shut and reach once more, but nothing has changed. The bond was singing, alight with emotions so powerful they began to trickle through Anakin's shields.</p><p>He drew in a sharp breath, pulling out into reality. The Force was still a veil of tender light awaiting, but Anakin had non of that. There were only shadows, growing in the corners of his mind, and the cold of burnt-out coals.</p><p>* * *<br/>
It was Ahsoka who found him, huddled on the floor. She paused, uncertain whether to approach someone so clearly tense, and decided against it. Even if it was her beloved Master in need to be comforted, she was not so sure she was the one to go. She was not at her best at the moment.</p><p>"I take it you already know," she asked, heading to the kitchenette. Fool mood or not, she was perfectly capable to brew them some tea.</p><p>Anakin nodded, not looking up from where he was sitting. He evidently has been meditating not long ago, and Ahsoka quickly guessed it didn't go well. So much for him trying to cope in a Jedi way, she thought bitterly.</p><p>She put a cup in his hands and sat on the floor as well. Anakin stared at the wisps of steam curling in the cold air, but she knew that he was paying attention to her every movement.</p><p>"I've just met them in the Healing Halls," she said. "Wanted to ask for some painkillers for my headache. Figured it will take something stronger… maybe a night of actual sleep," she added half-jokingly. Night or better two. "I think he will be here very soon."</p><p>Her question, hidden behind careful words, was 'What do you want me to do?' - and she really hoped she didn't project it in the Force. By the look of this Anakin was even worse with the Force right now than he was with people around. His meditation did go bad, she knew. Like, Not Good bad. She came to him in a hope to find any consolation, but alas.</p><p>When this is over, she vowed, she will take her Skyguy to the best gelaterie in the known galaxy and they will taste every flavour there. The sacred vow it is.</p><p>Anakin's face lit up a little, and she realised with a horror that <i>that</i> thought was projected. But he just raised his cup solemnly, and Ahsoka grinned, pleased with herself.</p><p>* * *<br/>
Obi-Wan took his time before asking for entrance. Staying outside Anakin's quarters he could hear light chatting - well, it was Ahsoka who was doing the whole talking, but her voice was light, borderline flirtatious. So she was either retelling some funny from her point of view clashing in the upper level or trying to pry a reaction really hard. That was a good sign. Judging on her expression earlier, Obi-Wan was due to a great suffering.</p><p>He was about to ring a comm when there were steps and the door opened, revealing Anakin in all his menacing glory. They both stood still for a second.</p><p>Then Anakin reached forward, clasped a hand full of Obi-Wan's collar and shook hard enough to make him gasp. That was a quick fluid motion altoghether, and then Anakin freed him, stepped up and enveloped Obi-Wan in a crushing hug like if he had just returned from the dead.</p><p>He was still a little sore after the surgery that returned his appearance, but the hug, the heat of Anakin's body and familiar smell of his quarters washed the pain away. Obi-Wan hugged him back and smiled for the first time since that awful night.</p><p>They parted when Ahsoka started to make a pointed noise, and Anakin moved out of the way, silent and calm despite the passion with wich he has been holding Obi-Wan. Ahsoka closed the door behind them and stood, crossing arms and all but staring Obi-Wan down.</p><p>"Hope you are not expecting <i>me</i> being all octopus-like," she said grimly. "But anyway. Care to explain yourself, Master Kenobi?"</p><p>Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow at her attitude and looked at Anakin, but he only cocked his head, looking back with dark, guarded eyes and relaxed posture. He wasn't like Anakin Obi-Wan has been expecting to rejoin with, but his exact opposite.</p><p>"Don't look at him like he oughtta tame me for your sake," growled Ahsoka, and Obi-Wan recoiled from the poison in her words. Anakin just blinked at her. "He may be glad to have you back, but he wouldn't tell you. What <i>possibly</i> could you find important enough to do that to us?"</p><p>He sighed.</p><p>"To answer this I must know how much aware you already are."</p><p>"Not at all," she said. "I've seen you in medical. I don't even know how Anakin knew." They both turned to him, and Anakin hesitantly touched his head. Ahsoka frowned. "You mean your meditation? No one has told you?"</p><p>Anakin nodded.</p><p>Bewildered, Obi-Wan called for him in the Force. Their bond brimmed under his gaze, bright and strong, but he couldn't pass along it. There were shields between him and Anakin, and when Obi-Wan tried to look past them, Anakin let out a little pained sound.</p><p>"Don't do it again," Ahsoka said. "I told <i>everyone</i>, have they not warned you?" She stepped to Anakin, who was rubbing his temples miserably, and quietly sighed. "If he calls you first, it's okay. If he shields, don't do anything, it means he is already overwhelmed. And if I understood correctly, he only found out you being alive during his meditation not more than an hour ago." She gently took Anakin's hands in her own and pulled them down. "Hey, Skyguy. Don't you think it is time to see healers? I bet Master Che is ready to go get us personally. Like a personification of love, life and vengeance in the flesh."</p><p>Obi-Wan chuckled and even Anakin managed a smile. But then he shook his head and turned back to Obi-Wan. There was a clear message in his expression - they will not leave this room till the end of the story.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The needs of the many</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><i>The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few (or the one).</i><br/>Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan (1982)</p><p>(For those who didn't know: they in Star Trek are really into finding some world-shattering epiphany and then nearly killing themself working the exact opposite, just because those few (or the one) are sentients they wouldn't give up at any cost. The joke is, it works.)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Master Vokara Che was a force to be reckoned with in the best of the days. Once you happened to have misfortune of becoming her patient, you wouldn't go away with some poor excuse of duty call. Everyone knew it, and Vokara herself took pride in being a renowned terror of a Healer.</p><p>With her reputation preceding her, Vokara faced much less of a resistance from her charges. The Jedi can recite every wise admonition of philosophical or practical sort that exists, but for the Force's sake could they learn to take care before trying to succumb to their hubris. That being said, there were good patients who knew to follow the rules, not so good but they could be tolerated, and then the worst kind ever. Those who would never stoop to ask for help, and when forced to be helped, they would try to pretend innocence and disappear the first chance they get.</p><p>Anakin Skywalker used to fickle between those options in accordance with current world situation, and Vokara stiffly respected his choice. He, in turn, seldom abused his privileges.</p><p>This time, however, he was getting late.</p><p>Vokara knew she must have called him in weeks ago, probably taken him away from the funeral, propriety be damned. As a Healer she had her own boundaries, and the right thing to do was to help the man in need. But she told herself it would not be for long, and the Council needed him on display. It was a question of the greater good against one man's suffering. As a Jedi, she had no choice.</p><p>By any other name, it was still a cruel thing to do.</p><p>With that knowledge in mind, she also knew to watch herself for any overreaction. Anakin was a man grown, his achievements speaking as loudly as well-known satisfaction in serving beside him and under his command even. So it didn't matter how much she wanted, she couldn't wrap Anakin in a blanket, lock him in the safety room and throw away the key, when he refused to be cared for. That would be a disservice and a grave insult.</p><p>So she waited: whether he would come on his own or the Council would realise their miscalculation and send him in, or the mission will end and with Obi-Wan back they'd get a break.</p><p>Anakin has never come, and Obi-Wan has been out there for far too long now. In the night of their supposed reunion Vokara didn't shut her eyes. This long into the war she had seen enough of simple, mundane meetings that were taking place after things has gone down, and they tended to go awry even when someone's assumed demise was totally unintentional. There was nothing unintentional that time.</p><p>Surprisingly (and a tiniest bit alarmingly, she admitted), it was quiet. Either they were good or they were <i>dead</i>. Knowing Anakin and Obi-Wan both, she really couldn't guess better.</p><p>* * *<br/>
When morning came, she has been once again studying newest medical report on General Skywalker's account and comparing it to her notes. That was how they found her - red-eyed, undercaffeinated and seriously annoyed by all their drama.</p><p>To be honest, Ahsoka Tano didn't look much better, and for a moment Vokara considered to order her in too. Maybe if she asked Anakin to help, he would talk his Padawan into submission, for her own good. She decided to give it a try later, after she is done with the Master. And the Force help her, she will make Obi-Wan to talk <i>his</i> Padawan to comply if needed.</p><p>She could try to order them all in, but the experience taught her better. So, baby steps. She turned in her chair to Anakin and tried to look friendly and not disturbed at all.</p><p>"And so he yielded, brought down by the brute force of those who claimed to be friends," she said pretentiously, meaning if he has truly consented to come here.</p><p>She realised the joke to be really backhanded one only then. Anakin was, in fact, here because of his friends' misdeeds, and she was an active participant in the plot. That raised some ethical questions for her leading his case. She told herself that it was insignificant for he was about to work with other healers, those specialising in the mind-healing and psychotherapy, and she was to remain in charge, but that will not do. Vokara wronged him, and while she could have search for his progress, she had no right to be in a position of power.</p><p>She said so.</p><p>She could see his pain with her own eyes. Subdued as Anakin was, he still was reacting rather loudly, his expression like an open book and Force-presence is always intense. She was expecting a full-blown storm of emotions, an ugly response based on his sense of unfairness of everything that happened. That would be justified reaction, if unbecoming one.</p><p>Instead, it was Ahsoka Tano who flared in the Force like a dreadful inferno, all stone-faced and ready to attack. Vokara missed her movement by a heartbeat, but before she could grasp the point, Anakin was already there, holding the girl in tight embrace, shielding her safely. There was something akin to murmur in the air, but Vokara couldn't make a word from it. Then Obi-Wan reached her, moving her out of her chair and in the hall.</p><p>* * *<br/>
"I am sorry," he said once outside. "Are you okay?"</p><p>Vokara blinked. She needed a moment to collect herself. Absentmindedly she noted that there was quite the gathering, - Ahsoka's breakdown has evidently drawn attention. She motioned her fellow healers to go back to work.</p><p>"It would seem, while Anakin has a rather conspicuous injury, Ahsoka had been hurt to no lesser degree," Obi-Wan said with remorse. "I suppose it has something to do with all focus being on Anakin, whereas she had been made a target on par."</p><p>Vokara blinked again.</p><p>"If so," she asked, "you see it alright to leave them alone?"</p><p>Obi-Wan stared at her, then shook himself and tried to smooth his hair, obviously missed the fact there wasn't hair in first place. He seemed to be more upset about it than by the whole disaster they witnessed. It did lighten the mood, Vokara thought, still a little shaken.</p><p>"Ahsoka will never, ever hurt Anakin," he said at last. "Nor will he let her to hurt herself. Let them have a moment, I have no doubts they will call us in no time."</p><p>Vokara reluctantly nodded. Mostly she agreed to wait because a new thought occurred to her, a thought she didn't want but must deal with.</p><p>Ahsoka Tano was absolutely to go under treatment, and Vokara couldn't take her case for the same reason she couldn't work with Anakin.</p><p>They were the worst patients she has ever not had, she decided.</p><p>* * *<br/>
Mace Windu was utterly unimpressed with them. He was made to go to medical by Yoda sensing whatever, and while he didn't mind leaving the session at the stage it was, he was not having their oh-so-cleverly masqued suggestion to babysit Obi-Wan's ducklings.</p><p>But damn it, did Obi-Wan bribe him with promise to take on his homework for a week to come. You just couldn't renounce such temptation, the Dark Side was easier to ignore than that.</p><p>So he took his time to thoroughly smolder smirking bastard with his eyes, asked Vokara to go look for some caf for him, Chief Healer or not, and only then he stepped into the room the ducklings were hiding in.</p><p>They were on the floor which wasn't strange at this point. Skywalker has been seen trying to inhabit every other comfortable-looking floor in the temple in the past weeks, why wouldn't try in the medical too? Tano has curled up using Skywalker as a living shell, and seriously, what the hell, Mace wouldn't protest to be hugged like she was too. Not by Skywalker, though.</p><p>In the Force they were intertwined closely as well, Skywalker efficiently swatting prominences of her rage every time they were about to erupt. There were few but they were still a destructive force.</p><p>But there was not only rage, he noted. That was a powerful emotion, everything else easily disregarded. Mace was quite sure that average Jedi, who was not as used to work with the Dark as he was, wouldn't know what to seek here. He knew, and with Skywalker's unspoken agreement he leaned forward and brushed her rage aside, until only the core was left exposed.</p><p>Tano wept, defenseless. She was angered, grieving, frightened, - pick any warning from Yoda's masterpiece of a horror-story of the Dark Side and it was there. Despite it all, she was in the Light, quite possibly thanks to Skywalker who firmly held on her love.</p><p>Mace gently soothed all ragged edges he could reach when only orbiting a nebulae of a mind. There were many, but they had been seen early and will be healed quickly.</p><p>Then, he turned to look at Skywalker.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. A matter of trust</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Mace hasnt't been purposefully eloquent every time he spoke of how much Skywalker's presence weighed on him. The boy was strong in the Force, too strong to call him bright and shining. On galaxy-wide scale it was okay, generally he could be compared to the lux of the Core Star Claster, visible from everywhere. It was more akin to being slowly incinerated once gotten too close.</p><p>His power warped the Force itself when he wasn't controlling it. It made all attempts to see what lies in the future all the more unsufficient, especially when the Force has been clouded already.</p><p>Mace didn't blame Skywalker. To take a hold on yourself with that precise control they were asking of him and keep it going endlessly was not an easy task. Jedi were learning to complete that task all their life. Anyone who claimed they made it perfectly was a liar. And the boy was half a life behind his peers, so he only possessed a sheer power at his hand, a strong will to use it to his advantadges and a skill that of a Youngling fresh out of a creche. Of course his control lacked.</p><p>The problem was to make Skywalker understand them. He was a good man and a devoted student, but also self-centered, arrogant and nihilistic. Being that strong enabled him to see his shortcomings, and when he did, he was prone to shift the blame. Mace had no doubts that Obi-Wan broke quite a few walls with his head, figuratively speaking, while trying to talk some sense in his student. His headache had become legendary at some point, just alongside it's reason to exist.</p><p>Now, it seemed the control was twisting Skywalker's hands.</p><p>Mace has never thought him being capable to shut so. The shields around his mind were possibly the sturdiest a Jedi could build and not to knock themself out in the process. Then again, it was likely due to the hold Skywalker kept on Tano, their bond a lifeline.</p><p>No wonder Tano claimed him untouchable, he basically developed a migraine with the Force sensitivity instead of that to light or noise. No fun.</p><p>"If you are taking advice," he said, back in reality, "I'd have broght down some of your defences if I was in your shoes. Not all of them, you'd be a whimpering mess then, but a part? Most definitely. They are presenting, to put it mildly, an aggressive environment in that quality and quantity."</p><p>Skywalker shrugged. He looked dulled, tired beyond comprehension, but overall kept on decent level of awareness, so Mace let it slide.</p><p>"Well," he said, "anything you would like me to know? I recall, there was a meeting cut short."</p><p>The meeting in question had been adjourned after Skywalker gave his opinion on the matter, he thought, even if the boy passed out before Mace managed to drive him mad enough to rant aloud. But the matter they clashed over has not seized out.</p><p>Against his expectations, Skywalker actually made a noise similar to a mirthless laugh. He then straightened, still with his Padawan in his hands, and offered Mace a bitter smile.</p><p>"He means it's okay," coarsely said Tano, unmoving. "Like, no offense taken."</p><p>"And you?" Mace asked. "Speak your mind, Padawan Tano."</p><p>"What for? The Council has never pretended to mind us when ordering us around. Are you trying to better your image now?"</p><p>Mace stared at her. It was not the first time this particular line was used to describe the Jedi High Council and even the Order in it's entirety, but he certainly has never heard it from a Jedi before.</p><p>"Do you truly mean it, Padawan?"</p><p>She winced, turning to bury herself deeper into Skywalker's chest.</p><p>"You always like, the Jedi meant to serve the greater good, the people, the democracy," she said. "And then you send us to protect some fat sleemo making their wealth out of their kind instead serving them, or to kill and devastate the folks who is fighting for their right to leave the Republic - no matter the war, they have that right, it is constitutional! And if a Jedi want to leave the Order, you just go all 'They are wrong, they are to be pitied, to be remembered as deserters and too cowards to carry the holy bear of Being The Jedi', and it doesn't matter that it is you who abused our trust, who uses us and then berates us for being ungrateful for the pain you cause!" She was shooking with the force of her sobs, nearly choking for air. "You were teaching us to not let our emotions to be seen, and then turned around and assaulted us to seal the deal to maybe protect one politician, who already got himself too much off this war! What would you do next, Master, scapegoat us to some greedy Senator or just leave us behind to die on a mission, when we become political inconvenience, and call it 'The Will of The Force'? Would you even care then?"</p><p>* * *<br/>
Anakin knew, logically, that he should be sleeping, even if it meant to ask for sleep medication this long into insomnia fit. He couldn't.</p><p>Ahsoka was quietly snoring, dead for the world. Her small body, curled up next to Anakin, radiated warm, and he found himself more than once trying to snuggle with her. That was a blessing to get one room in the healing ward. Anakin didn't know how he'd have been feeling unable to check on her on the whim.</p><p>Her little speech was a revelation of sort, if he was honest. Nothing that he didn't think on his own, if not in those exact words, but spoken altoghether, there were worrisome thoughts. He specifically disliked the scapegoat part, as it has rang a bell in the Force.</p><p>But where he was a little troubled, Mace Windu was definitely shaken to the core.</p><p>They didn't get more time with him, because Ahsoka went into full hysterics and was taken by mind-healers almost immediately. Mace has been left in Vokara's study, ashen and speechless in comical resemblance to Anakin's state. Anakin didn't know whether he happened to face the first tantrum in his life or was actually reconsidering some poor life's choices. In any way it suited him well.</p><p>He sighed, forcing his body to relax again.</p><p>May Anakin be a good-fashioned Jedi, he would be too stricken by Ahsoka's cry. As it was, Padmé's words were repeating themself in his head: Ahsoka was a living being, and as such she was allowed to feel.</p><p>There lies the truth, he admitted sorrowfully. He was defending Ahsoka by appealing to common sense, when not so long ago he decided to follow the Code and it's teaching. He couldn't tell in which case he was a hypocrite, but he for sure was one.</p><p>He also knew that his previous self would have been angered by this commotion to the degree where he could desire for Obi-Wan to stay dead just to not deal with the stress.</p><p>So, the problem, he thought. Just the moment I finally accepted the Jedi way, the Code, the need to become a lesser man in order to stay a good one, what drove me to was revealed to be elaborated intelligence plot gone a bit too far. What it means for me, if I am going to not be petty and think with my head?</p><p>Because in the end it was all about him. Here, in the silent night not unlike the worst night ever (he shouldn't make a chart, really), when all was done, the only part he still was responsible for was what he was going to do from now on. Whichever path he would go down will define the future. He couldn't choose the wrong one.</p><p>He turned carefully and searched Ahsoka's features. She was sleeping piecefully, trusting him with her life even after all they were through. She was a child under his wing. The future itself.</p><p>And just like that, he knew.</p><p>* * *<br/>
In the morning he woke from a dreamless oblivion to find Ahsoka long gone to her procedures. He was expected to go as well, but obviously they let him have his rest.</p><p>He was contemplating the pros and cons of going back to sleep, when the door opened and Obi-Wan stepped in the room with a tray in his hands. He smiled upon seeing Anakin conscious.</p><p>"Good, I didn't want to be the one to wake you up," he said in the way of greeting. "Hope you are hungry, I really got into trouble for all these delicacies. But no caf, I'm afraid. Healer's order."</p><p>He sat the tray on the bed and plopped at the foot of it, appearing to be carefree if not for the look in his eyes. He was tracing Anakin's every movement, and the crease between his eyebrows was exactly like that one he would get after restless night.</p><p>Anakin propped himself up on his elbow and checked the tray. There were one person tea set, pancakes, some berries, sliced ham and a little bowl of what he instantly recognized as clamsyflowers from Naboo. Those were indeed a delicacy, and he looked at Obi-Wan questioningly. He either stole - saved - that from some unscheduled soiree this night or it was a very generous gift from a very friendly Senator.</p><p>Obi-Wan rolled his eyes all the way to the ceiling.</p><p>"Yes, it was Padmé. Now, feel free to guess what I has called a 'trouble', don't spare my pride."</p><p>Anakin scoffed and grabbed the bowl. So Padmé didn't take his misadventures well, it seemed. He wasn't going to ask, his wife could be terrifying sometimes, and he had enough staff for nightmares for life.</p><p>Whatever she came up with, it was well-deserved anyway.</p><p>He ceded the berries in Obi-Wan's favour, poured the tea into the cup, sipped a little and offered the cup too.</p><p>It was their old tradition, the one of a few Anakin carried from Tatooine where him and Shmi had been used to have something to share with no choice being their. In this new life it didn't demand for special circumstances, just for one of them to feel like that. Anakin was absolutely feeling like sharing with Obi-Wan this whole breakfast, only the filthy smartass over there has not deserved the clamsyflowers.</p><p>"I believe I didn't say 'Sorry', Anakin," Obi-Wan said, offering the cup back. "But I am. I can't ask for forgiveness, but I want you to know, that I am very sorry. And I said so to Ahsoka this morning, too," he added.</p><p>Anakin scrutinised him all over again.</p><p>"Please, Anakin," answered Obi-Wan with a new eyeroll. "She has her way with the words, true, but she is far too gracious to beat me literally. Although, I think she would have been gentlier with her fists."</p><p>Anakin laughed at him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. I know a place where no one's lost</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>There is a lot of Very Obvious things, but clearly they were not all that obvious for the characters. Or maybe Obi-Wan just needed someone to tell him that he is allowed to feel too.<br/>Takes place partly before the breakfast in the previous chapter, partly after. </p><p><i>There is a castle on a cloud,<br/>I like to go there in my sleep.<br/>...<br/>I know a place where no one's lost,<br/>I know a place where no one cries.<br/>Crying at all is not allowed,<br/>Not in my castle on a cloud...</i><br/>"There is a castle on a cloud" from "Les Misérables"</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Padmé knew better than asking the Jedi for Anakin's wellbeing. Officially, they remained trusted allies and good friends. At times it was achingly difficult act to play for them both, and she meant not the desire to sing their love from a rooftop, but forced state of not-knowing, not-asking, not being right there for the other half of your heart.</p><p>She vowed not to let anything between them, and she has been failing spectacularly ever since.</p><p>She knew it would be so, and she asked Anakin to drop the issue that beautiful night on the eve of the war. Even before the first battle, in her worst nightmare not able to foresee the horror awaiting, she knew that their duties were too much for coming together. There was nothing to be 'too much for being in love', it was too late already, but at least she could save them from suffering that their secret life was.</p><p>In her defense, Padmé had truly believed to be laid dead before dusk when she kissed Anakin. She thought 'there is no way out this time' and she didn't want any secrets left. She didn't want for Anakin to go alone, with someone he held dear just out of reach. She wanted for them to be together, and she was going to die.</p><p>She hasn't regretted her choice, and she has been swearing not to, every single moment they were made apart.</p><p>But has she dreamed a life in piece, their love thriving in the open, her Anakin allowed to come back to her whenever he wanted. Has she dreamed walking hand-in-hand in the forests and laying in the meadows, day is the light and night is stars across the sky.</p><p>And if he couldn't stay with her, then she dreamed for him to be free, no weight of the war on his shoulders, no death haunting his mind, no learned helplessness in his heart.</p><p>Be safe, she prayed and then immediately, come back to me, <i>come back to me</i>.</p><p>* * *<br/>
She resigned herself to aknowledge Obi-Wan's promises of Jedi Healers to take care of Anakin and the Council to halt in their overuse of his service, important as it might be.</p><p>She had a hard time resisting her urge to give Obi-Wan a piece of her mind on the matter. Padmé was well-educated way before, but now she was understanding the Jedi like being almost one of them. Her disagreeing with their philosophy aside, she knew now that from Obi-Wan's point of view it was <i>Padmé</i> who was acting otherworldly, who was living a life of a stranger. He wasn't judging her - he did not understand her.</p><p>She remembered an off-handed remark - 'I thought the Jedi are not allowed to love', and the speech Anakin gave her back. She would love to say it were Jedi who allowed the world to see them as uncaring creatures, the Order is nothing but unfairly justified arrogant cult. The very way they did not hold themself to public expectations was a reason for this image to exist, and they were acting like that because it was in their foundation. It didn't matter what the people thought on them, only what the Force willed.</p><p>And of course, it was regularly backlashing, as the Jedi claimed themself public defenders but no one from outside could possibly understand just what the Evil the Jedi stood against. Not everyone even believed in the Force, much less in Jedi's allegiance. For all the average citizen cared, the Jedi were nothing but cultists, nothing but senatorial mercenaries on open contract, nothing but sociopaths armed with their lasersticks, standing above the law they sweared to protect.</p><p>Padmé could see past those prejudices now, but she barely refrained from talking to Obi-Wan like she wished he deserved.</p><p>He was a Jedi. As much as she'd been tempted to call him a victim of his education, she honestly couldn't. He was a beneficiar of certain culture, however much Padmé disliked that culture, she had no right to label it wrong. Or she would be in the wrong herself.</p><p>She clearly hesitated long enough for Obi-Wan to start growing nervous.</p><p>"Can I speak to you as a friend?" she asked. She knew of course, that he was dreading not for possible dressing-down, it was the conflict itself that troubled him. "I promise to be as objective as I can, and you are free to tell me off any second."</p><p>"You don't need to ask, Senator," he said, and the sad part was, he meant it.</p><p>"Make yourself comfortable," Padmé offered to placate him a little. "I am going to address a cultural distress here.  And it would be nice to be heard with open mind, Master Jedi, nothing of that very polite way to take all the infant's rambling at the face value your… kind is so cute at."</p><p>Of what little she could read off him, Obi-Wan was honestly at the loss, presented with so many insults in one phrase. She smiled internally.<br/>
</p><p>"Now, I believe I asked for a friendly talk," she said. "And as your friend I will not gloss it. Obi-Wan, you are still thinking about Anakin in Jedi terms, and the only reason it has been working so far is because he can roughly translate your interactions for you both. You are in real danger for losing his good will in this."</p><p>Obi-Wan looked at her uneasily. He has been standing, but in the middle of her talking resigned to seat side by side with her.</p><p>It was early in the morning, her balcony was filled with golden and lilac reflections of the down, and the cool of the night still lingered in the air. Surrounded by softly glowing lights, Obi-Wan looked a little like a ghost.</p><p>"I got a feeling that you'd try to shoot me the moment I said 'You don't understand' or 'It's a Jedi affair', Padmé," he said.</p><p>"I am good enough with my blaster to shoot you right away," she laughed. "What it is you think I don't understand?"</p><p>He lowered his head, looking now at his pressed together palms.</p><p>"You'd better tell me more," he said. "I don't want to make assumptions."</p><p>"Fair enough," Padmé agreed. "You know that me and Anakin - we are close friends, and we're trying to stay in touch." She tried to ignore just how poor her game was. She said the truth and it still could be heard for what it <i>really</i> was. "He's telling me just about half the things he couldn't get… or what he couldn't make his Master understand, because they are basically aliens in their different upbringing."</p><p>She paused to let Obi-Wan interrupt her smoothly if he so liked, but he didn't, still too interested in his hands.</p><p>"Such things as permission to love only in abstract way, and why the Jedi are basically seen as kidnappers, they were simple to explain," she said. "It was more about slavery, you know. The fact that you don't usually ask the child you take, only their guardian if there were any, he has seen it as absolute abomination. Maybe still sees. This total, complete lack of right to choose your fate when you are an infant; then you rase your younglings under constant pressure of not being good enough, of being sent away if they didn't gained attention of a Jedi to become their Master, all while teaching them to not seek attention at all; and, in the end, if a child raised this way chooses to leave the Order, you condemn them." At her last words Obi-Wan visibly flinched, and Padmé send him a worried glance. "You and me, and Anakin, at least in his heart, we know why this is done so. The Jedi bring children to be raised in the Light and you don't want them to learn their other possibilities for those lay in the Dark or close to that. It is understandable. But what Anakin thought it was? He thought, or better say felt, if the Dark Side would have saved his mother, then fine."</p><p>Obi-Wan swallowed hard.</p><p>"The Dark Side is a cruel Master," he whispered.</p><p>"We know," Padmé said. "Anakin knows that, Obi-Wan. I am not saying he would never Fall, but for what it's worth, he will fight. I know that."</p><p>They lapsed in a silence, broken only by faraway noise of the city below. The raising sun lit up the balcony and the lights went off. Then Padmé felt allowed to continue.</p><p>"There is many things you two are seeing from different sides," she said. "Usually he finds it in himself to look at them your way. You, at the same time, hardly got the background to tell apart when he is refusing your teachings and when he doesn't understand you. That is why I am telling you this. Your last mission? It might very well be the last drop. He loves you dearly, as he loves his mother. No matter the Code. He may claim otherwise, but he is feeling betrayed and used. He will fight that thought, but it will still be there. The question he can ask you one day is this one: you lost your own Master and held him dying in your arms - how could you make me feel the same? He can, even knowing the answer very well. He is trying to be a Jedi, when it means he must refuse the urge to make you proud of him. But he had come from some other place, and whatever you will help him to learn, it will never erase his ability to love and to hate."</p><p>Obi-Wan looked up and for the first time that day their eyes met.</p><p>"That," he said, "was the exact reason why the Council refused to take him in when Qui-Gon asked. I threatened to leave the Order and to teach him anyway. And you must know, Padmé, that I am so, so proud of him. Even if I should not, for it is his duty to do his best… I am not that perfect Jedi you all seem to see."</p><p>"Ah, dear," Padmé said, and to kriffing hell it all, she leaned forward and quickly hugged him. "It is alright. No one is what they seem to be. We are just very good at pretending."</p><p>* * *<br/>
She received a short message the same day, at the brink of dusk. It was from Anakin.</p><p>
<i>i think you broke him, love</i>
</p><p>Smiling already so wide that her cheeks began to hurt, she hurriedly typed the answer.</p><p>
  <i>Please, I didn't tell him even a half of my mind. Besides, he hardly heard something new, I'd like to take all credits, but let's be honest. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>no really!<br/>
he repeated it all<br/>
took like all day to crack him, but totally worth it<br/>
painted me a lovely picture<br/>
did you hug him? he was evasive like a toydarian who lost their bet<br/>
pretty cool</i>
</p><p>
  <i>So sue me.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>i'd never<br/>
do it again<br/>
i am on it already<br/>
…<br/>
so<br/>
did you tell him 'cause you wanted him to hurt a bit more or you knew he will retell so IT WILL BE ME TO SUFFER<br/>
because he now trying make me cry. nothing new my ass. don't get me wrong, it is all very dignified, it is just<br/>
…<br/>
i can't stand more then one apology straight<br/>
the hell<br/>
he asked if i see him as family 'cause 'you are my brother' i don't know what to do</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Tell him you love him too.<br/>
And may I also add, that is so sweet.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>you are evil<br/>
of course i love him too, that's the point</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Then tell him, and by the way, thank you. Your worshipping skill is little rusty but appreciated nonetheless.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>don't tell things like this in public, am sure there is something along the pda lines<br/>
and i owe you one for clumsies<br/>
and i can't tell him, we will be both crying and healers will kick him out and although it will make Ahsoka's day, but</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Ani, that you are hurting, it is okay. You know that, right?</i>
</p><p>
  <i>well, i can't exactly say it<br/>
that's the other point</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I believe you will find a way. You are great man, Anakin, and you can do it.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>your trust in me sometimes<br/>
i love you</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I love you better.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>you are blind then<br/>
i must go<br/>
he still didn't get i can TYPE my answers you know<br/>
hilariously, so keep it secret<br/>
…<br/>
i will come back to you the first thing in the morrow. promise</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Ani, you literally was typing away with him trying to brother-hen you and you think it is him in the dark?<br/>
I shall hold you to that promise.</i>
</p><p>She dreamed that night of a thousand stars, and two of them were just a little closer than others.</p>
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